I just found this, and can’t remember writing it (which possibly shows how much I’ve drank over the years). Anyway, I thought I’d publish it somewhere for a laugh.
Corey tosses me another cigarette and I tell him “I had a mate once. Eric. Awesome guy. Drank heaps, but never let it rule his life.” He nods at me and takes another sip of his beer. The bar’s getting a little busier now, so I have to half yell.
“Anyway, got to the point where I’d never really see him sober. I’d give him a text, ask him what he was up to, but it was kind of a waste of time, because he’d always be drinking if he wasn’t at work. Had this motto: ‘Time is a waste of life, life is a waste of time; so lets just get wasted and have the time of our lives.’ You couldn’t call him an alcoholic or anything because it’s not like he wasn’t functional or anything. He’d turn up to work everyday, if he needed to be somewhere he’d be sober. Drinking was more of a hobby than a way of life. Like how some people get home from work, figure out they had a couple free hours and spend it playing xbox? He just did it for fun; to pass the time.”
“Your point is?”
“Well, one night I went around to have a couple beers with him, maybe play a bit of xbox. He was sitting there with a ton of bottles on the coffee table in front of him. He-“
I’m cut off by two girls sitting down at the table with us. They’re pretty average looking. One of them has giant breasts and a very low cut top, giving her this whole bread rising over the top of the pan look. Not really my thing, but I can see that Corey’s already wanting to give that a taste. They both pull out cigarettes, then look to us. “Got a light,” Big-Boobs asks and Corey almost throws himself across the table to attend to them.
They ask our names, and we make introductions all around. Next, what we do. “”I’m a mechanic”, Corey tells them, his usual line when he’s trying to impress a girl. It’d work better for him if he knew his way around a car, or even owned one, but by the time it comes up he’s usually putting his pants on and running for the door.
“I’m a writer”, is my line. Well, I have been writing a little lately, so it’s not a complete lie. They nod in agreement. “Actually, I was just telling Corey a little story.”
“Oh, can we listen too?” Big-Boob’s friend asks. She’s kinda cute, but a little on the upper range of ‘curvy’ Maybe in a few beers time I tell myself, knowing that I’m probably going to have to make her acquaintance once Corey receives the all clear from her friend.
“Sure.” I fill the girls in on the basics before continuing on. “Anyway, I get to his place, and he’s obviously been drinking all day. Doesn’t know how many beers he’s had, just knows that it’s been about 6 hours since he started.”
“You’re telling me. Anyway, we’re sitting there playing Xbox, I had a couple beers, he kept drinking, thought he was at about the two dozen point, and he excuses himself for a minute to go to the bathroom. He’s gone for a couple minutes, comes back, we go back to playing. Nothing weird.”
“Right” The girls are looking slightly bored, but I’ve got all of Corey’s attention.”
“Anyway, time comes for me to go take a piss. I walk in, and there, about a foot in front of the toilet is a shit. The rest of the room’s spotless, nothing anywhere, just this nugget of shit lying on the floor.” The girls look slightly… uncomfortable about the story now. Corey just laughs his head off. So I go on. “I flag the piss, go back out, and casually mention to the guys that there’s a log on the floor. No one owns up, but everyone can tell it was Eric. He’s at the point where we’re all surprised he can sit upright, let alone figure out how to play Halo. He thinks for a second, gets up and says ‘Fuck, coulda been me. Can’t remember. I’ll clean it up’. I follow him down to the bathroom, he just reaches down, picks up the shit, wipes his hand on a towel and goes back to his video game. Wasn’t even fazed. Legend of a man.”
I realise that the girls have left. I look around and they’re standing next to a couple of popped collar douchebags. Big-boobs points toward us, says something and the whole group laughs. Whatever. Who cares.
Corey’s not as apathetic as I am. “What the fuck? Dude, do you try to push chicks away? Can’t you at least act like a normal human being?”
“Nah, that’s my point. Eric was true to himself. Gets so drunk he misses the toilet taking a shit, picks it up barehanded, and doesn’t give a fuck. Just carries on with his life, no worries what everyone thinks of him. Sure, I should probably move on after what happened, but I’m not going to start toning down how I talk or act, or turn myself into one of those fuckwits,” I point toward the bros the girls have latched onto, “just so people will like me. I’m over it. Time to start doing what I wanna do, and telling people exactly what I think of them.”